The Haunting of the Twilight Cast
by dazzlesparkle
Summary: The cast spends a night at a haunted house.
1. Chapter 1

The black Escalade drove slowly down the deserted street. Long weeds rustled in the wind in front of the empty mansion where the car came to rest; empty, dusty windows looking out at and dark enough to rival the tinted windows of the car where the conversation was taking place.

Peter turned off the engine and looked around. "Guys, I was really just joking. Dealing with the 'supernatural,'" he air-quoted, "Is not going to make you better for the next movie. This house isn't even haunted. Mrs. Allen moved out because she couldn't handle taking care of such a large space on her own. Her dead husband is not haunting the place, and he didn't kill himself because the ghosts made him. This house is old and drafty and probably a little unstable in places, but not haunted. Everything can be explained by the wind. I don't want anyone suing me for putting you guys in danger, so let's just go."

"God, are you done?" Rob asked, exasperated. "I'm going in, if only to get away from you and this car. It smells of nappies and Bratz dolls. And Crocs," he sneered, opening the door and hopping out.

"Quit being an asshole about my kids. That's an adorable picture!" Peter yelled out the still open door. "Get back in the damn car, Rob!"

Rob waved the hand containing the key at Peter without even bothering to turn his back.

Kristen stepped out next. "Come on guys, ghosts don't exist. And if they do, I'll protect you." She looked at Nikki and held out a hand. "Come on."

"Okay, see you tomorrow, Peter." Nikki started to step out, then stopped. "Come back early, ok?" she whispered. He smiled and nodded. Nikki jumped out, grabbing Kristen's hand, and they ran together after Rob, toward the ornate but dilapidated front entrance of the house.

"Well, I guess that's settled," Kellan said, getting out of the car and staring down Taylor, Jackson, and Ashley. We don't want to look like pussies in front of them, do we?" He gave Taylor a pointed look. Taylor got up hurriedly and scrambled out to stand next to Kellan.

"Too bad we didn't bring any extra panties; we're probably going to need them," Kellan chuckled. He looked at Jackson and Ashley. "Coming?"

Ashley rolled her eyes and took Jackson's hand. Jackson led her out the door and grabbed his guitar with his other hand. "Tonight is gonna be so awkward," he moaned quietly, considering all the unresolved love triangles and squares and hexagons within the group.

They all walked together to the front door, jumping a little as Peter honked and pulled away.

Rob was waiting for them with the key in the door. "I do wish he hadn't taken our cell phones," he said with a hint of fear in his voice, turning the key slowly. They all took their last look at the rapidly setting sun and entered the house.


	2. Chapter 2

It was an average abandoned, supposedly-haunted mansion- furniture covered with sheets, dust-covered tchotches lining many flat surfaces, brick and hardwood and a massive stone fireplace off to one side of the parlor.

"Not bad," Ashley murmured. "With some work, this place could be stunning."

As they were taking in their home for the night, they suddenly heard a clatter, mingled with a long, consistent scrape.

Nikki jumped into Jackson's arms, sending his guitar case tumbling to the floor. Taylor whimpered and grabbed Ashley's arm; Kristen gasped and whirled around, arms up and ready to fight.

Rob threw himself flat against the wall. "Jesus Christ, what the fucking hell was that?"

The room was filled with laughter. Not the menacing, ghostly kind, but the booming, jock kind.

"God, you guys, it was just Kellan!" scolded Kristen. "Why the fuck did you move that bureau in front of the door?"

"So none of you could puss out. Plus, who knows what's out there at night? You're much safer, trapped in here with friends. Especially since *I* am one of your friends," Kellan winked, flexing.

Rob inched away from the wall, pulled out a pack of smokes and lit one. "Christ, my heart is pounding."

"Ooh, Rob, can I borrow your lighter?"

"Ashley, why would I give you the only working source of light in this house? I've tried every light switch and lamp I hardly trust myself with this lighter."

"Fine, you can start a fire in this gorgeous fireplace yourself, then."

Rob looked at it with disgust. "Do you think old Mrs. Allen ever had this chimney swept? Or used a creosote sweeping log? And how long has it been since she lived here? Do you know about creosote? And there are probably birds nests and other shit in the chimney too. This house could catch on fire and we would all d-HOLY SHIT WHAT WAS THAT?"

Rob plastered himself against the wall again. "Something touched my leg you guys, shit, I swear, something touched my leg. This house really is haunted, god, Kellan, move that fucking thing away from the door!" He scrambled, back never leaving the wall, toward the door.

"I'm not letting you out, dude. It was probably just a mouse or a roach or something. This is an empty house. I bet it's not as bad as the stuff lurking in that dingy hut you share with Tom. And why the hell are you sticking to the wall like that?"

"Kellan, I watch those fucking horror films. I know people always get taken from behind. Plus, there are no black people or blonde girls here. They're gonna get the Brit first!"

"I can understand your fear of being taken from behind. I'm sure you have to walk around that way at home too."

Everyone else laughs and Taylor is especially happy that Kellan has found someone else to mock for awhile. Over the group's jeering, Rob starts to get defensive.

"I've told you all a million times, it isn't like that. He's like my brother, and we don't fu-"

TICK-tock…TICK-tock…TICK-tock…CUCKOO CUCKOO CUCKOO CUCKOO CUCKOO CUCKOO CUCKOO CUCKOO CUCKOO CUCKOO CUCKOO CUCKOO …TICK-tock…TICK-tock…TICK-tock…

Everyone screamed. Nikki flattened herself against the wall next to Rob. Rob scuttled as close as he could get to Ashley, tossed her the lighter, and begged her to start a fucking fire already.

"It's just a clock, dumbasses," said Kristen, trying to keep her voice from trembling.

"It's 9:23. That had to be more than 9 cuckoos, and isn't it only supposed to do that on the hour?" Taylor said with his back turned so the group couldn't see his tears.

Jackson laughed. "Like we know how a fucking cuckoo clock works."

From flat against the wall, Nikki added, "Why did it only start ticking now?"


	3. Chapter 3

"You wusses. We're fine," said Kellan as he plopped down on the couch closest to the fire Ashley was desperately trying to light. He coughed as giant puff of dust obscured his face. "Good work, babe. That's gonna be a bitchin fire once you get it going."

"What should I use for fuel? I can't imagine you'll let me outside to try to find a woodpile, Kellan."

"Nope. Who needs a woodpile? I can bust up some of those chairs in the dining room for you."

"You aren't destroying any of the furniture in this house."

"Or we could toss in that guitar he's always carrying around." Kellan took a swipe at Jackson's guitar case as he walked by.

"Haha." Jackson sat down gingerly, trying to avoid kicking up a similar dust cloud and pulled out his guitar. "Rob, you should've brought yours."

"Like hell. I'm sure the ghosts here would either love or hate my singing, and I can't imagine either of those options working out very well for me."

"Whatever." Jackson began absently strumming his guitar

Nikki reached for Rob's hand, still standing next to him against the wall. "We'll be fine. Don't worry. And, if not, we're spending our last night together."

"Right." Rob said distractedly, brushing off her hand and holding it out. "Ashley, can I have my lighter back?"

"Not yet!" she called from the other side of the room. "This crawlspace has some chairs that are already broken. No harm in burning them, I guess. Kellan, help me carry them."

"Stay there, Kellan, I'll help her," Taylor said, hurrying in the direction of her voice. "I don't know if you all saw my last interview with Access Hollywood, but I've put on like, 24 pounds of muscle."

"So, you weigh what now? Like, 124? Stay where you are, kid, this is a job for a man."

"Kristen, love, you're not dead yet, are you?" Rob called nervously.

"No, I'm looking for a bedroom. As long as we're here, we should have some fun."

A chorus of oohs rose from the wall and simultaneous groans filled the space near the fireplace.

"Seriously? God, if I have to listen to you guys humping each other all night, Peter might actually come back to a house filled with murder victims."

"You're always welcome to join in, Jackson. It's an open invitation."

"Not when there's a dude in the room, Kristen. If you and Nikki want to have some fun with me, I'd be open to it."

Taylor was silent and wide-eyed. Ashley whispered something to Kellan and he laughed so hard that some of the load fell out of his arms. Taylor hurried over to pick it up. "What's so funny?"

Kellan rolled his eyes. "Knock- knock jokes, kid. YO, KRISTEN, KNOCK KNOCK!"

"I DON'T CARE!" she called, rushing off to survey the conditions in the next bedroom.

"AMAZING GUITAR PLAYER'S FINGERS, BUT CRIES AFTER SEX!"

Jackson stopped, mid chord. "Hey, Kellan, knock knock."

"Dude, you can't beat that."

"Fantastic muscles, but the disintegrated package suggests steroid use."

"Hey, you said you wouldn't look that time you were guarding me when I peed in the alley!" Taylor yelped.

"Jesus Christ, Taylor, that wasn't directed at you."

"Come on, man, Ashley would never have said something like that to you. Or anyone. I'm a god."

Jackson just shook his head and resumed playing, but was interrupted by a thump and a slamming door.

"Kristen, please tell me that was you!" Nikki yelled.

The thump-thump-thump of her running feet was answer enough.


End file.
